The Great Wall of SPR
by Sweet Dark Laughter
Summary: A series of shorts regarding SPR members eavesdropping on each other.
1. Chapter 1

All these stories began with a wall. Certain members of the SPR team recently discovered that there was a certain spot on the wall between Naru's office and the rest was particularly thin and they could hear everything that went on in his office.

Monk-san discovered it first because he had been lucky enough to have moved his desk right next to that stop because his previous place was always sunny in the afternoon which often interfered with his afternoon nap. He jumped when he heard Mai and Naru's voices coming from right next to him. He looked around and realised it was coming from the wall. He gave a slow smile and settled his head next to the spot and began to listen.

"Mai, I have something to show you. Now try not scream. It's becoming an awful habit."

"Naru, I don't scream for fun. I scream when I'm caught off guard."

There was a rustle and then a small thud.

"Oh!" exclaimed Mai.

_What did he show her? Oh no! Not that. That pervert! She's too sweet and wholesome. It would be like flashing the Strawberry Shortcake character. He wondered if he should offer up a quick prayer for Mai's eternal soul._

"Surprised you, didn't I?" said Naru smugly. There was no response from Mai. His voice became gentler, "You aren't scared, are you?"

"No-o, just surprised that's all. I was a bit freaked out when it moved while it was still inside though."

"Don't worry, it won't hurt you."

"That's what everyone says."

"Trust me. Touch it."

_Monk-san honestly wondered if he should intervene. Should he defend Mai's honour? Not that she was putting up much of a fight... He then wondered if he should stop eavesdropping on them. 'No, I should listen on... Just in case, Mai needs help and Naru doesn't take no as an answer'. _

He sighed, "See, I'm touching it and it's fine."

She hesitated, "Ok, then... Oh, it's so soft! I never thought it would be so cute."

_Cute? Monk-san had not expected that. C-U-T-E. Oh god. _

"I love the fuzziness."

_FUZZINESS? Wow, maybe Naru should go to a doctor. That can't be normal. _

"And it's so small."

_SMALL? Well, that's one burning question answered. Now if only he could get an answer about Lin's size. _

"I want to carry it around with me all day."

_At that point, Monk-san's mind shut down. 'Please, no.'_

"I can't have you distracted like this all day," said Naru. It almost sounded as if there was a hint of amusement in his voice.

"I love the way it feels."

_Oh god, I'm never going to ask her to make me sandwiches again. No amount of disinfectant in the world would kill those germs. Plus, they are Naru germs, they are probably genius germs too and impervious to disinfectants! _

"Can I name it?"

_Oh, slightly kinky..._

"If you must..."

"Naru Jr? Mini-Naru?"

_I wonder if they'll take me back to the monastery after this? I may be too unclean after this incident. _

"If you aren't going to be serious about it, I'm going to take it away from you."

"No! I like it, it's sooo warm. It makes me feel happy."

_They are consenting adults, consenting adults, consenting adults, consenting adults..._

"Stop squashing it against your cheek, Mai."

_CONSENTING ADULTS, CONSENTING ADULTS, CONSENTING ADULTS, CONSENTING ADULTS..._

The door swung open and Mai appeared before Monk-san.

"Monk-san, look at what Naru gave me!"

Monk-san's jaw dropped. In her hands was a small black hamster.

"Isn't it the cutest?"

"Yes," he managed weakly.

Later on that day, Mai went into Naru's office to deliver his tea.

"Naru?"

There was an answering grunt from Naru.

"Where's Monk-san?"

"He went home early, he said he wasn't feeling very well. He also muttered something about kids these days..."


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed my first chapter. Reading your reviews made me come up with this one. Sorry if it isn't as funny as the last one. It's much easier to write funny commentary when I'm writing as Monk-san. Please enjoy!**

"Where's my book?" muttered Ayako-san as she rifled through the drawers on her desk. Then a thought struck her. That stupid hippy Monk. He must have taken it. Again. With a horrible scowl, she stalked over to his desk. At first sight, she almost considered going out and buying a new one.

Monk-san's desk was a legend in the office. It was a heap of files, newspapers, loose papers, candy wrappers and semi-organic matter. The theory was that Naru never said anything because he wanted to see if Monk-san's pile would evolve into a supernatural phenomenon of it's own accord. Monk-san said that the pile was his attempt at becoming a Jenga master but Ayako-san put it down to Monk-san being a slob.

She sat down on his chair with a sigh of despair and stared at the pile. She sat back and wondered how she could disturb the pile without causing an avalanche. Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted by sound of voices coming through from the wall behind her.

"Don't do that," said a female voice.

"Seriously, what did you expect when you called me in here? We both knew what was going to happen," answered a male.

_Wasn't that Naru's room? That was definitely Mai but that wasn't Naru. _Her eyes grew wide. _That's Monk-san! What are they doing alone in Naru's room? Making the moves on poor innocent Mai. She was too young for him. He needed someone older, more mature. Someone he could *ahem* play doctor with. No, let's not get sidetracked here. Focus! _

"What are you doing? Wait! Wait! Not there!" Mai ended with a soft moan.

"Oops."

Ayako-san fingers curled tightly around the arm of the chair. _What did he do?! Where was there?! That seedy little wretch! Preying on innocent flowers like Mai. Should she do something? And to think he flirted with her. _

"You know I didn't get this back in the monastery."

"That's no excuse. Wait, no! Don't lick it!"

"I have to lick it! First contact has been made. It. Must. Be. Licked."

"Fine, then. Go ahead."

_Go ahead? That minx. Why must she take all the eligible males in the office? Now I'm left with that part-time weirdo Yasuhara-san, the celibate Brown-san and deadpan Lin-san. Greeeat. _

"Mmmm, that was great," said Monk-san in a low tone that sent shivers down Ayako-san's spine.

"Are you happy now?"

"Not really. I need one more thing."

"No! You've done enough damage."

"No one is going to notice."

"Yes, they will!"

"A deflowering must occur," he said solemnly.

"Noooo! Monk-san! Don't you dare!"

_That was it! This has gone too far! _

Ayako-san shot out of the chair and burst into Naru's office like an avenging angel.

"Monk-san, don't you even dare!" she yelled.

Mai yelped, "Ayako-san, help! He's going to eat a sugar flower."

"Don't you dare eat that sugar flower!" yelled Ayako-san. _Wait, sugar flower? _She glanced at the table and saw a beautifully decorated cake with 'Happy birthday, Naru,' written on top.

"Erm... " said Monk-san. He was frozen with the sugar flower half way to his mouth. He blinked and slowly replaced the flower on the cake.

"Thank you, Ayako-san. Although I wish you had come earlier. Maybe you could have stopped him from licking off the icing."

"Licking off the icing," said Ayako-san faintly.

"It's not a crime," muttered Monk-san like a petulant child.

Ayako-san sank to the floor and began to laugh hysterically.

**Later on that day...**

"Happy birthday, Naru!" yelled the inhabitants of the SPR office.

Naru scowled in response and immediately glared at Lin.

Lin winced and looked away.

Naru's scowl was still plastered on his face as he endured an off-tune rendition of Happy Birthday and as he cut the cake. Monk-san then relieved him of his duties, cut up the cake and set a very large slice aside for himself.

Mai approached Naru, "Naru, I have a small request."

"What now?" he growled.

"Could Monk-san and I leave a bit early? We need to visit to Ayako-san in hospital. She had bit of a moment."

Naru shrugged, "Sure. Don't forget to take her a piece of cake."


	3. Chapter 3

Mai knelt and rifled through the file cabinet in Naru's office. Naru had wanted her to cross-reference files on seemingly independent paranormal occurrences for a connection. She found the file and looked at his meticulously detailed writing, he truly did have a marvelous intellect. Not that she would ever mention it to his face. It was when she started reading his notes that she heard voices coming through the wall. Her curiousity was piqued and she leaned in...

"John-san, you _must _have a look at this!" exclaimed a male voice excitedly.

"Are you sure it's alright looking at this during work time, Yasuhara-san?" asked John-san nervously.

"Everyone does it! Plus, it's Naru's fault for not blocking sites on the office network," soothed Yasuhara. "Feast your eyes on this, John-san!"

_What is Yasuhara showing John-san? Surely they weren't looking at THOSE websites while at work. _

"Speechless, John-san?". She could hear the smirk in his voice.

_How could he force John-san to look at such websites? He's such a deviant! _

"This is amazing, Yasuhara-san. It's better than anything else I've seen!"

_John-san is a pervert! That innocent wide eyed look of his had everyone deceived!_

"They are all beautifully shaped and so large," he continued.

_I wish mine were larger. Wait, stop! Let's not get sidetracked._

"Let me scroll down and show you the pink ones."

"To be honest, I prefer brown ones."

"Hmmm, I never would have suspected! "

_Me neither! Brown ones? John-san had some exotic tastes. _

"I really should have given this up after I became a man of the cloth," said John-san remorsefully.

"That's quite alright. You're a man. You have needs. It's perfectly natural. Plus, I'm really happy to have stumbled across you at that place. It's good to have a friend with *ahem* similar interests."

_Similar interests? Similar perversions! I wonder if Naru has similar perversions... no! Don't go there, Mai! _

"I can't wait to get my hand on those and start nibbling on them."

_Nibbling? NIBBLING! John-san! I'll never be able to look at you the same way again. _

"I like to suck on them first and then start nibbling. I find it more enjoyable that way."

_SUCKING ON THEM? I'm too young for this! I'm going to need a shower to scrub off this conversation. _

"I should try that next time."

_Perversion is contagious! Both of them doing that...No, Mai, no! Stop it! _

"We should go together! They actually let you try quite a few out at this place!"

_GOING TOGETHER? Is there no end to their depravity? I must tell Ayako-san! _

"Do you think Naru-san would be interested?" asked John-san.

For Mai, this was the final straw. She straightened up and rushed out of the room.

"Naru-san can't go to a brothel!" she yelled with her hand over her eyes, not wanting to catch a glimpse of a website.

Since she was greeted with a pin drop silence she opened her eyes at glared at both of them.

"Yes, I'm pretty sure Madoka and Lin wouldn't let him," said Yasuhara-san tentatively.

"Has he been visiting brothels, Mai-san?" asked John-san anxiously.

At that point, Mai glanced over at the screen behind them and saw what they had been looking at. It was the website of the new pastry shop that had opened up down the street.

"You were looking at pastries?" asked weakly.

"Yes, we love choux pastries," said John-san guiltily.

"But that's besides the point!" exclaimed Yasuhara-san. "What's this about the brothel?"

"Brothel?" asked Naru as he walked into the room.

"Naru, you dog!" exclaimed Yasuhara with relish.

"I'll pray for your eternal soul," said John-san with sadness.

Naru's eyes narrowed as he turned to glare at Mai. "What is this about?"

"Erm, there's a new pastry place down the street..." said Mai, feebly. "I think I need to have a lie down".


	4. Chapter 4

Since Yasuhara was not a permanent member of SPR, he did not have his own computer. Most of the time, he used Monk-san's because Monk-san mainly used his computer for streaming videos of his own band. It was while he was at Monk-san's computer that he realised that he could hear voices coming from the other side of the wall. He absentmindedly pushed his glasses into place as he settled down to listen.

"Okay, you've messed around with it too much," said Monk-san in a pained voice. "Leave it alone now."

_Why does he sound like he's in pain? What_ ar_e they messing around with? _

"Come on, we're almost there," coaxed Ayako-san.

_Almost where? Oooh, this sounds interesting. I don't think I've ever heard her so be so firmly persuasive. It's tingly. _

"We'll try again later."

"But Monk-san, you promised!" said Mai.

_Two girls, Monk-san? You sly fox. What did you promise? Why doesn't anyone try to make me promise anything?_

"Mai's right Monk-san. We've been waiting for a taste for ages."

_Taste what? Oh, no. In Naru's office? Ooooh, that's dirty. I still can't believe they would be so bold to do this in Naru's office. During daytime! _

"Fine. I lost and I guess I shouldn't be a sore loser."

_So they forced him into this? That's interesting. Girls these days are so forward. _

"Does it normally take this long?" asked Mai.

_Oh, Mai. You sweet flower. So innocent and yet so eager to learn. _

"Ask themaster," said Monk-san miserably.

_Master? Is this some form of S&M? _Yasuhara shook his head as he tried to dislodge an image of Ayako-san in a dominatrix outfit. _Or is it her extensive knowledge in this area? Perhaps I should call her Ayako-sensei and she'll teach me..._

"Just a little bit more."

_Perhaps Monk-san needs some of those herbal supplements to perk him up? Maybe I should leave some useful websites open in his browser._

"Aaah!" groaned Monk-san.

"Oh, my."

"Finally," said Ayako-san, her voice dripping with satisfaction.

_Oh, wow. It's done. Naru's office has been defiled. No amount of Lin's magic will cleanse this room now. _

"It's stained the carpet!" moaned Mai.

"I told you this was a bad idea," complained Monk-san weakly.

"That's going to be a tough stain to remove," commented Ayako-san.

_Shibuya Psychic Research, my ass. It's more like Sexual Perverts' Research. Not that I'm complaining. Proud to be a member. _

"Forget about the carpet and have a taste, Mai."

"Mmm, it's a bit too strong for my liking."

"Oh, you'll learn to like it, Mai. I didn't either, at first."

_Ayako-san, I see you in a new light now. Sure, it's a dirty, sordid light but it's a new light. _

"It is a taste you have to get used to."

_I wonder if Monk-san says that to all his band groupies. _

At that point, Naru opened the main office door and Yasuhara froze. These three would get caught! He immediately decided to distract Naru and did the only thing he could. He walked towards Naru and fainted into his arms. Or at least he tried to, it did not go exactly as plannned because instead of catching him Naru let him fall.

Yasuhara fell heavily to the floor and when he looked up, Naru asked coldly, "What _are_ you doing?"

Before Yasuhara could reply, the sound of his fall had caused the three occupants of Naru's office to open the door and peek through.

"And what are you three doing in there? My office is not a common room."

"Erm, Monk-san lost a bet and had to buy us a bottle of wine so we were drinking it in your office," said Mai.

"We were using your letter opener to get the cork out," added Monk-san.

"Wine?!" exclaimed Yasuhara, stupefied. "WINE! Of course, wine," he said as he started to laugh uncontrollably. "A cork!"

Naru frowned slightly at this slightly hysterical response. "What did you three do to my research assistant?"

"We'll take care of him," said Monk-san briskly as he helpedYasuhara up. "Come on, let's get you some air."

As the three helped Yasuhara outside, Naru entered his office. When they were half way out the door, they heard Naru yell, "WHAT have you done to my carpet?" and they hurried out of the office a little faster, still holding the wine bottle.


	5. Chapter 5

Brown-san and Monk-san entered the office chatting jovially. They had found a marvelous obento place two streets away and were looking forward to eating their lunch. However, when they went to the lunchroom, Brown-san groaned with distress.

"What's wrong, Brown-san?" queried the monk.

"They've forgotten to give us soy sauce," said Brown-san, sadly. "I do love eating my sushi bento with soy sauce."

"Oh, that's alright. I keep a stock in my desk drawer for such emergencies."

"Bless you," replied Brown-san happily as he watched Monk-san walk out the door into the main area of the office.

As Monk-san bent over to rifle through his drawer, he heard voices floating through the weak point in the wall in Naru's office.

* * *

><p>"Be gentle," warned Mai.<p>

_Hah! I've learnt my lesson from the last time. She's probably asking him not to criticise her tea too harshly. _

"Leave it to me. I know what I'm doing,"

_Was that Yasuhara-kun?! What's he doing in Naru's office with Mai? Heavens, did they sneak in there for a little privacy? No, don't go there Monk-san. _

"I'm starting to doubt that."

_What a blow to his masculinity. Maybe he needs to brush up on his technique? No, Monk-san, no! Real life isn't as perverted as you think. Mind. Out. Of. The. Gutter. Now! _

"Shouldn't it be standing up? Why is it bent like that?"

_Bent?! Does Yasuhara-kun have__** those **__problems? But he's so young! _Monk-san took a moment to look down and congratulate himself for always being able to rise to the occasion. _Maybe I should have a chat with Yasuhara-kun later... And take him to a pharmacist. _

"Aaah, don't tease it like that!"

_They're doing it! I'm right this time. Oh. this is so lewd. Doing this is in the office. During daytime. DURING LUNCH! _

"You always start out slow. Trust me."

_I wouldn't trust you as far as I could throw you. You managed to seduce my sweet little Mai. What sort of devilish trickery did you use? _

"Well, I do trust you. Why else would I have asked you to do it in the first place?"

_MAI! She solicited it! So brazen. So saucy. Ohhh, I think I'm going to need a cold shower. _

It was at this point that Brown-san came out to investigate why Monk-san was taking so long. Monk-san beckoned him to come and listen. Brown-san also laid an ear on the wall and began to listen to the conversation.

"Oooh, that's actually quite nice. You really do know what you're doing," she said with approval.

_I'm going to need two cold showers and an ice bucket. _He glanced over at Brown-san who seemed confused.

"Nice?" snorted Yasuhara with disdain. "Give me ten more minutes and I'll blow your 's time to pull out the big guns."

Mai gasped, " Surely, you can't think of using that. It's too big!"

At this point Monk-san saw Brown-san's blue eyes widen with shock. "Are they...?" he whispered in disbelief. Monk-san nodded. Brown-san immediately began to rifle through the pockets of his robe and finally pulled out a worn out rosary. "I'm going to pray for their souls, " with that Brown-san knelt down and began to pray feverishly.

"I'm sure it's not bigger than anything Naru has. Why are we doing this again?"

"I want it to be perfect when I return it to Naru's care."

_Not that Naru would appreciate getting Yasuhara-kun's sloppy seconds. This is seriously twisted. _

"I'm sure he will be very impressed," said Yasuhara-kun, smugly. "But since you're eager to impress him, I think I should pull out all the stops!"

"Yasuhara-san!" shrieked Mai.

_Oh, my. Oh, Mai! Oh, heavens. I can't take this anymore. _Monk-san slid off the chair, joined Brown-san on the floor and began to chant prayers in a low voice.

* * *

><p>A few moments later, the door to Naru's office swung open and Yasuhara-kun and Mai entered the main office area. They were greeted by a peculiar sight, Monk-san and Brown-san were both on the ground praying fervently.<p>

"Is this a prayer circle?" whispered Mai to Yasuhara-kun.

"I guess so. I think it's best if we don't interrupt them", he said as they inched around the two men who were so deep in prayer that they did not notice that the objects of their prayers were standing next to them.

The next day when Naru returned from his trip to England, he found the office to be a peculiar place. Monk-san had filled out a holiday request form saying that he wanted to go somewhere cold like the Arctic Tundra because cold showers simply do not cut it any more. Brown-san kept giving Yasuhara-san a wide berth and spent every spare moment praying. The only normal thing was that Mai returned his bonsai tree to him in good condition. Actually, there was something odd about that too. The bonsai tree looked as if it had recently been trimmed by a skilled gardener. Peculiar.


End file.
